


To see Alphonse Elric

by redshadowalchemist



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alphonse is 13, Edward probably does too, Nightmares, POV Roy Mustang, Roy Mustang has PTSD, everyone forgets because he's a giant suit of armour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:27:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25936639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redshadowalchemist/pseuds/redshadowalchemist
Summary: Even as a giant suit of armour Alphonse is in his brother's shadow.A late night conversation between a 13 year old bound to a suit of armour and the Flame alchemist cause the latter to reframe how he thinks of Alphonse.
Relationships: Alphonse Elric & Roy Mustang
Comments: 2
Kudos: 53





	To see Alphonse Elric

**Author's Note:**

> I published a version of this fic years ago on Fanfiction net. So if you've seen it there I haven't stolen it I just stopped using that site years ago.
> 
> Also, first time posting on ao3 so hopefully the format turns out alright.

Roy Mustang couldn't sleep. Sometimes as with all veterans his dreams were just full of the dead. When this happened he couldn't bare to stay inside his flat. It was unbearable to be alone in those four walls listening to the screams in his head of the people he had killed, women and children among them. The smell of burning, there were some nights the smell would never leave his nostrils and he felt as if he'd smell burning flesh for the rest of his life. 

Sometimes when this happened Roy would dress in civilian clothing and wander through the park near his flat and into this 24 hour diner he knew, where he would sit with a pot of coffee as he watched the few people out at this hour go by. It was better than being alone, and less embarrassing than calling one of his few friends (who was he kidding? His only friends were Maes and Riza, while he was sure they would come he didn't want to inconvenience them).  


The park was usually quiet at night, Roy may not have spent much on finding a decent house, or large apartment, and why would he need one when he was rarely there? But he had made sure it was in a good area, just for appearences sake an up and coming Colonel couldn't live in the "wrong" area. So unlike in the area he grew up in the park was quiet and night and not full of junkies or potential muggers, though he had his gloves on just in case. A little paranoia was healthy, especially when you were a well known state alchemist.

He saw a large shape out of the corner of his eye. It made him jump (something he would deny if ever asked) and he was ready to snap his fingers if needed. Then he recognized the figure, sitting on the fountain was a seven foot suit of armour.

"Alphonse?" the Colonel said, he wasn't sure why it was a question there weren't many seven foot suits of armour wandering around.

"Colonel Mustang what are you doing here?"

"I couldn't sleep. You?" Fullmetal usually stayed in the barracks when he was in the city, the barracks were a good five miles away.

"I can't sleep" the voice echoes emptily around the suit of armour and Mustang remembered how young Alphonse was, he often forgot he was Fullmetal's younger brother. Only 13 years old.

"I'm sorry" he said meaning it, it felt empty but he didn't know what else to say. Then he asked "why are you here?"

Alphonse turned and looked at him soul fire behind those holes in the helmet that passed for eyes.

"I can't sit there and watch my brother sleep. Not because I'm upset that I can't sleep anymore" he said clearly understanding how Mustang's brain worked, "but because he screams. Nightmare's almost every night screaming for me, and when he isn't screaming for me he screams for Nina. Or he moves around unable to get comfortable with two metal limbs. He never complains, it must hurt him, I've read of phantom limb syndrome or how much automail can hurt when it rains. I want my body back but there are times when I think I got the best of the deal. I don't remember the gate and my brother dreams of the gate too, so often it makes him reluctant to sleep, and he won't tell me. Doesn't want to burden me with it." Roy isn't surprised Fullmetal has nightmares given what he's seen, but then Alphonse speaks again in the same soft voice filtered through hollow armour.

"I wonder what you dream of Colonel that makes you avoid sleeping too."

So Roy tells him. He isn't sure what makes him tell this young boy everything but Alphonse listens silently, patience coming off him in waves even though his face is expressionless. As Roy tells him about Ishval and what he did and his guilt and how he wants to fix it all by becoming Fuhrer.

They talk for hours, about war and guilt and it occurs to Roy that this is the longest he's spoken to the youngest Elric brother. Even though he has had almost as much contact with him as Fullmetal. Where Edward Elric goes Alphonse Elric follows. Does Roy acknowledge this? He thinks back to all the times Edward and Alphonse have been his office, he has a horrible feeling he usually acknowledges this presence with just a "Fullmetal" counting Alphonse as an extension of his brother. He never deliberately cut out Alphonse and does answer when the younger Elric asks him a question but this rare. Especially with Ed demanding his attention with his foul mouth and...short temper.

Even as a giant suit of armour Alphonse is in his elder brother's shadow.

Edward is the sun not just because of his appearance, although the unusual golden hair and eyes just add to the analogy but because of his fierce temper. His ingenuity, his brilliant mind and eat shit grin. They all drag people in. You can't be in a room with Edward Elric without feeling the immense presence this young boy has. It's a gift few possess but Ed is a natural leader, he draws you in with his physical beauty, with his smart mouth and his fierce determination but if you get too close to the sun you get burnt Alphonse himself is proof of this. 

If Edward is the sun, Alphonse is the moon, cool and quiet. Rarely speaking in the presence of others due aside from an exasperated "brother" when Fullmetal was doing something particularly rude or dangerous. Always there, rarely seen when he stands in the presence of the sun. 

And Alphonse is always constant. So constant Roy forgets this is a child trapped in a metal shell. When someone says Alphonse he thinks of the suit of armor. Not the child trapped inside. 

He forgets Alphonse suffers too. He has seen Fullmetal's pain, the small crippled boy in the wheelchair made even smaller buy the loss of two of his limbs, and he knows intellectually automail surgery is enough to make grown men cry. He knows intellectually Edward must have spent nearly a year in agony between their first meeting and his arrival in central. He knew Alphonse lost his body but he never thought of his pain, his loss. Not like he had thought of Ed's. 

"Colonel Mustang are you alright?" the concerned voice cuts through.

"What do you look like Alphonse?" he asks before he can stop himself.

The suit of armour looks down at the ground.

"I'm sorry you don't have to answer that" Roy says quickly wondering if he has upset the boy.

"No, it's just no one's ever asked me that before. Everyone either knows or thinks of me as a suit of armour. I...look a lot like brother I guess. We both have golden eyes and hair except mine is slightly darker. We have similar faces but his features are more pointier. He looks more like Dad while I look more like Mum. I am taller than him even though I am younger. When I lost my body I was three inches taller than him. You should of heard him complain when he first realized I had outgrown him." His voice takes on a lighter tone and despite his expressionless face Roy can tell he is smiling.

"When we were children it was I who had nightmares. They seem trivial now compared to yours and brothers but when I did brother would always allow me to climb into his bed he would hold me close and I wouldn't have anymore nightmare's. I was always safe with brother. But now it is he who has nightmares and I can't do anything to help him. I'm cold and hard and spiky he couldn't sleep in my arms like I did in his."

Roy understood feeling helpless as others suffered. He remembered his own elder brother, they hadn't been as close as the Elrics, but Roy had still cared for him. Liam, dead at the age of 17 of tuberculosis. And how 12 year old Roy wasn't allowed near him due to risk of infection. Liam had died alone and scared and Liam had never hurt him like Edward had Alphonse. 

"Why do you stay?" Roy asked finally.

"I'm sorry I don't understand" Alphonse said, he sounded genuinely sorry as if the fault were his.

"You could stay in Resembool, you don't have to follow him, you don't have to see the horrific things you do. You have suffered but you do not need to keep suffering for him."

Alphonse's eyes took on a strange look, "I will not abandon him, I'm as guilty as he is. I could have said no but I didn't. Bringing Mum back wasn't my idea but that doesn't mean I'm innocent. The massacre at Ishval wasn't your idea, you would never have thought of doing such a thing without orders, but you could have said no, refused to kill, and you didn't. That's why you feel the need to become Fuhrer isn't it. To atone for things? By the same logic my brother's guilt is my guilt. And you would have been punished if you had refused to kill the Ishvallans wouldn't you? Dishonarably discharged at best, shot for desertion at worst. I have no such defence, Ed would not have hurt me for saying no. He would at least have considered my opinion, I may have been able to talk him out of it. Yet I went along with it because I wanted it too. It wasn't my idea, I probably wouldn't have thought of trying human transmutation it if Ed hadn't brought it up. But I still did it. I wanted him to be right so badly I ignored all my instincts telling me it was wrong."

They had been talking for so long it was getting light out.

"I better go, if I'm not there when brother wakes up he panics." Alphonse spoke softly he took a few large steps before pausing "Colonel Mustang thank you for listening but can you not mention this to brother? He'd just blame himself again. He's suffered too much."

"Of course not and thank you Alphonse."

For the first time in his life Roy Mustang has seen Alphonse Elric, Alphonse Elric himself not just Alphonse, the giant suit of armour, or Alphonse, Fullmetal's brother. He had always known Alphonse was kind and unfailingly polite but he hadn't realized how much guilt there was in that child bound to a suit of armour and how perceptive he was. Colonel Roy Mustang silently swore he would do anything in his power to get that boy his body back.


End file.
